Auto Answer Phone

Laziness is a time-honored pastime spanning generations. In caveman times, laziness meant not having enough food, so lazy people tended to die, unless they could steal food from their less lazy, weaker neighbors. As societies and work ethics evolved, the simple joys of laziness were almost wiped from our genetic code. Then came the advent of technology. Instead of beating a wolly mammoth with a stick until it became food and warmth, we used arrows and spears. Killing food faster meant more time for napping. Instead of waiting for trees to die naturally, we invented axes. With houses made of sturdier wood, we bear and wolf-free naps. So what is the next step, technologically?

True laziness is requires passive body positioning. Optimal laziness requires a lounging position. Ancient Romans ate from reclining couches, but I aim to go farther. I’m thinking hammock. I mean, what’s lazier than acting like I’m in the tropics without ever leaving my backyard? Stick a hammock on a Cypress hammock stand and put it in the shade. Then lie down and rock yourself to dreamland.

What’s that? You’re too lazy to rock your own hammock? My friend, you and I are speaking the same language. Or we would be, if we could be bothered to. There is a really simple way to ensure effort-free hammock rockery: hook up a Magnetek electric motor hooked up to one side of the hammock frame. Magnetek electric motors come in a variety of speeds, torques and sizes. The hardest part will be finding one that suits your rocking goals. Once it’s installed… ah. Pure, effortless… hammocking? Rocking? Oh, well, they both work well enough.

But what happens when your blissful slothfulness is interrupted, like with a phone call? You have to lean all the way over, press that button and put the phone all the way up to your ear. Answering a phone is exhausting. A much better way to deal with this is to get an auto answer phone. Auto answer phones come with an earpiece (so no lifting, shifting or leaning) and they answer themselves, usually after three rings. All you have to do is talk. Play your cards right, you’ll only need to get up for food. Now where did that robot butler/microwave oven run off to?